It is hard to come back. It is hard to write something after you haven't written in ages. What is there to say? I feel as though I should be bringing back profound insights from my hiatus as a blogger, but I did not. I think blogging is not for me. I often want to write about something and then second guess myself into not doing it--no one is interested, too personal, boring, poorly written, the excuses are bountiful, and of course there is sitting at the computer long enough to blog but not to do all of the other things I should be doing.
We are in another phase of "Should I stay or should I go." Annoying isn't it? It is almost a joke every time we start the discussion because we know that there is no answer and no conclusion to come to. After returning to the US for a few weeks I came back with a definite answer--LEAVE, but it was at this moment that Sam had been thinking STAY, so we convinced each other right back into the middle. I have not felt so directionless in a long time and this is not only in regards to staying or leaving but everything that goes with it--building a life somewhere and making the choices that will close doors that I am not sure I want closed. On top of this, I spent the last week in bed with a nasty stomach infection, with plenty of time to get depressed and measure out all of my shortcomings and what I have not accomplished with my time here.
And as proof of my bad blogging I want to delete everything I just wrote for being too whiny, pathetic, and uninteresting, but I am going to keep it.
2 comments:
Don't delete! I cringe when I look back on many of my posts, but I'm glad I've left them intact. This is a valuable record of your experiences, no matter how much you may beat up on yourself for being a "bad" blogger.
I sympathize with the Stay or Go routine. We had it bad last year, but now are in a period of Stay, for at least the next 2 years. It is scary to feel doors closing when these decisions are made, but it is nice to give ourselves permission to invest in our lives here (simple things, like buy furniture or a car or decorate the walls - things we wouldn't do before the decision was made because we didn't want to waste money).
My walls are still blank. I keep thinking that if I had known that we would be here for more than two years I would have done so many things differently. The first thing I would have done was to buy a better bed. I bought the cheap foam mattress with the thought, "Well, it is only for a year." Sigh...the thought of a spring mattress is such a luxury (and oh so expensive here!)
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